Two surveys out today timed to coincide with the day of love in London. The least shameless first: the London Fire Brigade released a study which at least contained some, erm, hard, facts.
It says ‘Fifty Shades’ incidents have cost the taxpayer £830,000 over the past five years, with more than 800 examples of the brigade needing to remove rings – including 23 of the penis variety.
“Our advice is simple,” Dave Brown, the London Fire Brigade’s Director of Operations, helpfully tells us. “If the ring doesn’t fit, don’t force it on.”
There is also a map to accompany the press release outlining the number of sticky incidents affecting each borough of London.
Lewisham, you may be pleased to learn – or you may just as well not care at all – is not a “ring”leader. Only 103 incidents were recorded in the last financial year. This is far behind the shadier boroughs of Bromley and Croydon, which had more than double the number of incidents affecting Lewisham. The City of London, meanwhile, had a mere 12.
The other, much more shameless survey, was so threadbare and desperate that its accompanying press release would have lasted seconds in most inboxes.
Not so the poor over-worked souls over at the News Shopper, which is why the following headline ended up on their website.
“Everything including the kitchen sink – lusty Londoners inspired by Fifty Shades love having sex on furniture around the home outside the bedroom, survey says.”
I refuse to link to it [we have standards to maintain] and equally won’t give the name of the shameless furniture vendor that decided it would be a good idea.
Of course, everyone must have seen through this particularly cynical publicity stunt, right? Except it’s still in the top 10 most viewed on the website as I type.